What to expect

I only knew a little bit about what posttransplantation life was supposed to look like. At least I was given some sort of lead, because I didn't have the slightest clue when cancer came barging into our lives.
I expected complete weakness and whims of despair. I foresaw disappointment and worry. Besides that I feared the expectations of others: the transplantation
is over, Kenji is still here and now he is even home. Jolly good.

I did my utmost best to let go of my expectations (and I still do). The weakness-and-despair-part? Check. Disappointment? Speaking on behalf of the boys, for sure. As Kenji succeeded in finishing his plate, Little Brother asked him: "Are you strong now?" A bit stronger than before, that's all we have to offer. Worry? Flowing in abundance. The fact that everything did turn up, doesn't mean that letting go in the first place was unnecessary. On the contrary, I don't know how I could have stayed sane if my whirling mind had taken over.

Yesterday Kenji had to return to the hospital; another visit is scheduled for tomorrow. Even though we're strongly rooted in the present, we couldn't be more aware that nothing is done yet.